Veronicans, Soar High!!

This is the virtual hangout for Veronicans! CSA Biñan AY 2008-2009, signing up is for veronicans... but Who's to say that teachers aren't allowed!! So teachers... feel free to join us as moderators in this forum.~Darkside1362, webmaster~
 
PortalPortal  HomeHome  GalleryGallery  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 Review for: Destination

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Malkuthe Highwind
Admin
Admin
avatar

Male
Number of posts : 197
Age : 23
Location : In a tiny blue speck, floating upon the vastness of space.
Reputation : 10
Registration date : 2008-10-30

PostSubject: Review for: Destination   Wed Mar 25, 2009 7:51 am

Ok, Ms. Villareal, here's my review... This is gonna be harsh..

First of all, the grammatical errors and the inconsistencies in tense must be removed

Quote :
6th year was challenging I don’t(didn't) know if I’m(I was) gonna pass it, but I don’t(didn't) care, either way(anyway). I was really serious, Katrina had told me once. Sometimes I could(would) just let go and not notice anybody, simple(simply) because I was playing with something that I could never have others to play—my life. I wasn’t really sure if my serious reveries have been enough to garner me three medals, I know that I’m still lacking. Oh good Lord! How much more should I suffer? Katrina as(has) been there for me all the way, I never doubted her either. It was maybe because I was such a silent martyr, a person who wouldn’t share the(her) sufferings with others—yeah right. I snorted in such a funny way while I was doing my reverie, again. Yeah right, like I could be a martyr, I couldn’t even pay attention to other people’s problems.

And here, you should be more specific

Quote :
God, so autistic, no wonder this girl had no friends, except for that (Insert: other) stouty girl

And here:

Quote :
Good thing Katrina isn’t(wasn't) around to see me in my reveries once more.

NEVER start a sentence with BUT

Quote :
But there was somewhere in me that wished that Rob wouldn’t graduate. A better way to write this would be: However, there was something in me that wished that Rob wouldn't graduate

I could keep doing this the whole day

Quote :
the skin the(that) shines out in the sunlight

wtf?! Twilight reference much?! XD

Quote :
Food was exquisite in my eyes, I never knew exactly at(Remove the "at") why I thought of it so

You ARE such a twilight addict, you just can't keep making a reference can't you?

Quote :
It was a very good thing that I have read the books of Anne Rice, which was all about vampires.

That's pretty much it from the grammatical point of view.

Now as for the story from the narrator's point of view or for the literary point of view. Your story is confusing, yes,yes it is. When you begin to read the first chapter, You go, WtF?! what is going on here, who is Elise? It would do you good if you make a prologue of sorts. The explanation, introduction in the first chapter wasn't sufficient for me. Also, I would suggest that you put quite a few twists to the story, The story as it is.. well.. Is just TOO predictable. I was wrong to say that you have too many adjectives.. Now that I've read it, I see that it lacks adjectives. It will do you good if you describe your characters in much greater detail. Also, I would suggest that you develop your characters slowly, make their personalities evolve throughout the story. If you plan to make this thing longer, you better think about the future of this story before acting. Plot it all out before writing. That way, you can modify things to suit conditions, and that you wouldn't have to freak over not being able to write a chapter because of lack of plotting.

On the positive side, the suspense level for this story is ok. It makes me want to finish the story, flashbacks would be a wonderful addition.

Now for the story from my personal point of view. I love the way you constructed it, and the topic. I love the timeline, and the succession of events. Do me a favor, however, and slow things down a bit, things are happening too fast. This is a romance ain't it? This is not an action story so, you should make the pace a little slower. Just speed things up when we're nearing the climax of the story. For a first chapter, It's a good piece of literary work. There's just the problem of the pacing. Well... that's pretty much it. This is by no means THE review for your work. It is just my own professional and personal opinion. Don't take this too hard. Remember CONSTRUCTIVE DISCOURAGEMENT Very Happy

DISCLAIMER: I by no means own the characters in this story, if any resemblance to a real person is seen, please disregard as these characters are completely fictional. These characters are copyrighted to Renelle Villareal. They are by no means to be copied, translated into a machine language, or used without the presence of permission from the original author. thank you. Although some characters may have been taken from TWILIGHT well, at least the names... XD

The story may be read through the following links

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4727627/1/Destination

EDIT!! I forgot to sign it XD

=*[PaXZeL]*=

There, much better Razz


Last edited by Darkside1362 on Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:53 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
http://veronicans.aforumfree.com
notaveronican06
Moderator
Moderator


Female
Number of posts : 2
Age : 23
Location : Hanapin niyo ko. :)
Reputation : 0
Registration date : 2009-03-24

PostSubject: har har. :))   Wed Mar 25, 2009 10:52 am

Oh har har. Smile
Regarding that disclaimer

WELL, the Rob thingy isn't Robert Pattinson. The story was written since 2007. Before Twilight was to be produced, and I do not even know about Twilight.

And well yeah, don't even mind that it's Twilight. Smile For the meanwhile, I will erase Destination for further editing. Although the story will still be present at my FanFic account.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. Greatly appreciated.
Back to top Go down
http://aryelee.multiply.com
 
Review for: Destination
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» HK 417D Review
» SDCC 2011 Reveals
» Review of The Phantom Menace!!!
» Leech and Hurricane Hordak revealed
» Marvel Universe 2 packs (Cyclops/Marvel Girl - Wolverine Sabretooth)

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Veronicans, Soar High!! :: Roleplay Board :: Fanfiction-
Jump to: